Come What May

From my journal 2011 April 9, Saturday…

OK so much for trying to make my posts always uplifting.

I am a bit scared of the unknown. On March 29^th I went into the ER because I almost passed out in school in front of my chorus kids and went to the nurse after chorus to have her see if my blood pressure was OK but unfortunately it was so high she called 911. The paramedics arrived and my blood sugar reading was at 266 and blood pressure 220/170 at the school. Paramedics came and I ended up going to the ER via Lucy ambulance… so glad she could get up this morning ... it was probably the adrenaline rush because nothing is supposed to go wrong with mom…right?!

Lucy stayed with me for about an hour and got rather nervous so I asked her to find someone else to come over and stay with me. I was glad she came as long as she did. Hospitals make her so nervous. Leslie came and I am so glad because she brought with her a calming atmosphere. She made phone calls to my Relief Society President and asked her to get a hold of my home teacher because I felt I needed a blessing. I know Leslie was doing a lot of communicating with family etc. but I was just trying to relax and was glad every time that my blood pressure would inch down a bit. I won’t go into too many hospital details here, but I had blood tests and medications for different reasons and an x-ray of my heart. At one point the ER doctor wanted to admit me but later changed her mind.

Well, my hospital stay became a slow day, but I did not stress about anything except to get better to go home. I stayed in the ER until about 3:00 and before I was to go home my home teachers Curtis Chipman and Chase LeBaron came and gave me a blessing and then I came home and rested a bit and was first visited by my R.S President HoneyLyn Terry, she brought me 3 beautiful reddish pink roses and during the ward R.S. celebration which was taking place at church, Bishop Tenney visited me. I kept saying that some of the anti-anxiety medicine they gave me in the hospital made me talk too much! Lol! Later in the evening some of my friends came after the R.S. Celebration and visited me. My Visiting teacher, cute Julie Milne, visited me the next day and brought me yellow tulips and some nice honey wheat bread. How sweet was that!

I crashed the next day and slept almost all day and again all night and I stayed home the rest of the week from school and rested until Friday afternoon when I was to do a heart stress test at 3PM. I opted to walk the test instead of using the drugs. I almost passed out and felt like my chest was on fire and I could catch my breath. Breathe through the nose blow out the mouth. Gees, that breathing was like having a baby.... After minutes of feeling almost out of control, they said the test was over. I was "walking" faster than I ever have in years because of my bum knee and back and now I had to start to relax.

They took some kind of x-ray pictures of my heart before and after the walking (of course I really don’t know what kind scanner or x-ray it was, but for now I’ll call it an x-ray machine). They had to shoot some kind of dye into my veins so they could get some good pictures of my heart, veins, etc. The only freaky part of this whole procedure was the walking.

I had to lie completely still and breathe normally for about 7 minutes. Above the x-ray machine they had some pictures and the one I looked at the most had the most beautiful garden scene with bushes with pink and white flowers along a gray walkway that was surrounded by green plants. At the end of the walkway was a white gazebo with a bench. I could just imagine myself in this pretty place. It was a combination of walking into a beautiful garden like the Saint Louis Botanical gardens and being in a peaceful place like the chapel at girls camp. Well, before I left the doctors office I made an appointment and it was scheduled for June 17^th but they said the office will let me know if there are any concerns.

The next weekend was General Conference and I felt of the strong spirit of the talks and I was spiritually fed. I have actually listened to many of talks over and over again, especially the ones that talk about pain, courage, hope, caring, angels attending in form of people here on earth, compassionate service throughout the whole world, especially at this time when there is so much suffering from earth quakes, tsunami, and other difficulties throughout the world…

And the music was so peaceful, every piece felt so perfect and was so heart wrenching! I have listened to the music multiple times since then and I thank my Father in Heaven for beautiful music and the peace it gives the soul!

Well, Monday I did the brave thing and went back to school. It was nice to know I was missed by both teachers and staff, but especially the kids! I got kind of tired the first day but I made some low key type of lesson plans that would be good for me as well as the kids. All was going well, until I finally picked up a voice message from the cardiologist office on Thursday that I need to give them a call. I did so, and they said that the doctor wanted to see me as soon as possible and talk to me about my test results. Well, they scheduled me for Monday Morning!!! YIKES! What now! Now my heart was racing and I felt so sick to my stomach that I hardly ate any of my lunch. I finally emailed Ellen’s our administrative assistant that I needed a sub for Monday. I had just talked to her earlier that morning about my failed finger prints and all the red tape about that.

OK, here is the part that is about fear… Yes we fear what we don’t know! And I became outrageously fearful! What is wrong. I don’t know the answers. I have to wait 4 days before I know what is going on and I was flipping out. Since I was tracking my blood pressure I took it and it was climbing up a bit. How do I calm down. I made a few cells texts to different people but I basically had to try to calm down on my own during the last three classes of the day with only kids in the room. I needed to be cheerful and try to be my normal self. I talked to a few people after school and they tried to say things to calm me down but it didn't work too well. Finally about 8:30 PM Curtis returns my text and we text-ed back and forth a few times. The thing that he finally said made me relax was….quote, "on the bright side you were not told to immediately come see the doctor or to go directly to the hospital." I could just hear his voice with that calming assurance I have heard before and yes I did calm down and slept all night without waking. Was he my angelic messenger that evening just like the Conference talks were talking about.? Did you hear those Conference talks?

I do have this constant knot in my chest and hopefully it could just be my esophagus again.

But at this point I will have to “trust in the Lord with all mine heart, and lean not unto mine own understanding.” I will definitely have something to fast about this Fast Sunday which is tomorrow.

I do love my Heavenly Father, My Savior and I have been given peace through them and through the Priesthood Power here on earth and through my family and friends. I have a strong testimony of the truthfulness of this gospel. I know that life is not easy and that we are here to gain a body and return to him someday, but of course I don’t feel I am ready to go there yet, because I feel I still have a lot of things to accomplish here on this earth. So whatever may come on Monday I (we) shall bear this too.

*****I don’t think any one really reads this, but if you do, say a prayer for me and fast if at all possible. Love ya all! ♪♪♫♫***